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05:04pm 26/11/2009
  this is my second day off this month only because its a holiday. I work 60 hours a week and still can't pay bills. what the fuck am I doing?

at least i didn't have to take time off work to be disappointed with my family
11:31pm 17/05/2009
  dane cook is not funny.

I really want my hair like the keyboardist...

08:35am 09/04/2009
dream interpretation
meaning of dream
Dreaming about the living dead may carry a powerful message. If you are "walking around like a zombie," it usually means that you are emotionally disconnected from things going on around you. You may be experiencing unhealthy detachment and are unable to appropriately feel positive or negative emotions. Currently, you may be out of touch and outside of the main flow of life. This dream could positively sever you and help you to become aware of emotional issues and circumstances in daily life that are difficult to face.

i dont know if i agree with this 100% but I just realized that when i have zombie dreams and what occurs in my life at that time see to me directy correlated. It seems as if i have zombie dreams when I lose a connection that I really wanted to blossom
Ive got 3 chords and a fuck you   
03:40pm 06/03/2009
  If im gonna sleep when im dead, i've got 1 foot in the grave...

my body hates me right now...oh well, its gotta deal...at least till I graduate.


I need to break up with steph. Her so-cal-ness is really turning me off. Even if she is a fox and is the best sex ever, we dont talk...ever. Ive said it before and Ive said it again. Id rather let it die than let it bleed. Im not being fair.


its weird how I cant keep a relationship now. I guess thats not really important right? I have my friends that will come to my rescue at the drop of a hat. I can run around and sieze any part of the god damn day I want to and not be tied down.


(without sounding full of myself) Ive definitely become a self-made Chico socialite. It really hard for me to walk down the street and see a handful of people I know. I feel like i can walk into any establishment without any plans and come out with an adventure in hand.

it feels good...


now Im booking shows for the band and we have connections if we want to tour. Its ridiculous that I can get shows anywhere in chico (and parts of northern ca) and more prominent bands have a hard time.Bands are asking me to contact agents to book shows.

apparently my word is golden


dont take this the wrong way, but my heart (i found it just now) skipped a beat as i exited that shop. I dont think thats a good thing

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08:35am 24/02/2009
  i just realized that she's a nice person and nothing else is going to come out of it  
08:01am 18/02/2009
  i feel like Im in the wrong place  
10:47am 12/02/2009
  I am a very demanding and impatient person. I cant sit still, thats why I do everything that I do. My mind blasts around the universe faster than the speed of light.

I hope she puts up with me. I try my best not to bug her too much...

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so now   
12:11am 06/02/2009
  everything is smooth sailing. Im still high in life...

so haley isnt coming here anymore which is fine. Ive learned to not expect anything ...ever.

I feel a little bitter sweet right now. Shauna and I had our first kiss which is fine but not like a regular Juan. It took me a while to build up the courage to do it just like nik and with dawn as well. She wants to take it slow and i said thats fine with me. For gods sake we hold hands everywhere and thats a novel idea. she is amazing and I know she'd make me a better person even though she thinks I am someone special.

thats something i never understood. Me being special. Seriously Im not a role model or a hero. I just exist and do what i want to do. I dont want to disappoint anyone, I just keep my word. For some reason no one else does that. Weird...

I dont know if my personal life is happy or sad. All i know is that I have a lot going for me and Im going to be a pro surfer riding that wave.

I want a partner in crime and I have a feeling my new inspiration is just that.

So right now I know i shouldnt feel the way I do. mostly because I just kissed the girl that put me back in my place. Put me back into middle school where i giggle and have not learned any better.

stay gold_en
I think its called inspiration....   
10:05pm 27/01/2009
  My life is going to be a fucking whirlwind the next couple of months. I love it i love it i love it. There is a place for co-dependent people like me. People that have to be doing something. I know school isnt for me. Thats why I fall asleep everyday in class. I dont fucking care though. Im truckin trhough it and i see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Ive got a bomb in my heart and its waiting to explode.

So Im taking Genetics, Plant Physiology, Organic Chemistry and Asian Studies. I am orchestrating school with one hand KCSC and the Plant Science club with the other and somehow booking shows and pulling together people for practice for my band.

Oh my band, the joy of my life right now. If we had anything recorded, i would whisper sweet nothings in its ear and spoon with it every night. I would take it out on adventures everyday and have it on the tip of my tongue with every word that came out of my mouth. Everyone would know that I am a part of that musics life and its of mine. I would help it become all that it could ever be...which would be something far greater than me.

I am putting together a local music comp for KCSC and learned that I could book a show to promote it. Not just any show but an all day event. Have 15+ bands play in the BMU on a saturday ALL FUCKING DAY!

Haley is visiting me during spring break. I met her almost two years ago now through SG. She's an army grunt right now learning how to become a Medic. We plan on going to vegas and la and having people shoot sets of us together. She's going to tear me apart.

I just got hired back at the nursery earlier than i thought. That makes me juggling three jobs now to. I might quit the greenhouses now and Target soon after.

if only everyone could feel a piece of what Im feeling right now...bliss
Do androids dream of electric sheep?   
10:42pm 21/01/2009
mood: cynical
i love a challenge...I wish she made time for me...

but she wont, she cant. She has always ran away and will.

Do Androids dream of electric sheep? Do they?

Everyone wants to live but no one wants to actually live. They want to be lead. They want someone to be the change for them. To be told what to do. We all have the same questions but never the same answer. Maybe there is no answer. It would be nice if they grew a pair.

Take the plunge into the unknown. Not only walk two steps in front of the crowd but take two steps to the side as well.

Box thinking perpetuates itself. What if there was never a box in the first place?

6.7 billion people marching to the same tune. The tune that raises the hair on the back of my neck and makes my heart sink
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10:06am 17/01/2009
  I got a psychobilly wedge haircut the other day with lines shaved in the left side. Ive never had my hair this short before and you can see a bunch of scars on my head but i still like it. A wedge is a mix between a greasers pompador and a tall mohawk. Now Im not skilled enought to put it in the wedge by myself just yet, so i just spike it up as a hawk....I love it. Im putting cheetah print in it later today.


so i accidentally broke Rusty's amp yesterday at practice. I lost grip of my bass and it fell dead center onto his amp from 6 feet away. He's definitely mad about it. He just doesnt want to be mad about it around me. He knows it was an accident but is is a $1500 amp. Hopefully it gets fixed soon or at the very least he goes to practice on sunday.

I have music and lyrics radiating from me right now. I cant wait to play shows and show everybody my work.

work...Ive gt to pick it up if I want to progress my life any further. School for me is done in 4 months and I need to have a real job. Not this tip-toey bullshit at the nursery or the piece of shit retail that is target but an actual adult job.

Maybe i can worry about that later.

I do need more money though. Just to get by without using the drunk college student excuse.


she asked me the dumbest question the other day. Are we friends or more than that? In my "old" (ha) age, I've realized that if its not smacking you int he face and your not floored then its not it. Period.


I woke up to this tune in my head.

Im not being nostalgic anymore. I want the future. and i see you in it...(whenever that may be)

In fields where nothing grew but weeds,
I found a flower at my feet,
bending there in my direction.
I wrapped a hand around its stem
and pulled until the roots gave in,
finding there what I've been missing.
And I know....

So I tell myself, I tell myself, it's wrong.
There's a point we pass from which we can't return.
I felt the cold rain of the coming storm...

All because of you,
I haven't slept in so long.
When I do I dream
of drowning in the ocean;
longing for the shore
where I can lay my head down.
I'll follow your voice;
all you have to do is
shout it out!

Inside my hands these petals browned;
dried up falling to the ground,
but it was already too late now.
I pushed my fingers through the earth,
returned this flower to the dirt;
so it could live, I walked away now.
But I know...

Not a day goes by when I don't feel this burn.
There's a point we pass from which we can't return.
I felt the cold rain of the coming storm...

All because of you,
I haven't slept in so long.
When I do I dream
of drowning in the ocean;
longing for the shore
where I can lay my head down.
I'll follow your voice;
all you have to do is
shout it out!

All because of you.
All because of you.

All because of you,
I haven't slept in so long.
When I do I dream
of drowning in the ocean;
longing for the shore
where I can lay my head down.
Inside these arms of yours.

All because of you
I believe in angels.
Not the kind with wings,
no, not the kind with halos;
the kind that bring you home
when Love becomes a strange place.
I'll follow your voice;
all you have to do is
shout it out!
one thing I have definitely learned...   
10:18am 13/01/2009
  never expect anything from anyone. You wont ever be let down that way...

its even funnier when people try to explain themselves after.
12:50am 10/01/2009
  my friendship should NEVER never be taken for granted.

I dont care who you are. I AM going to make a difference. I AM doing it right now.

im fucking fed up with several people.

i dont care who you are, your not going to take my happiness away from me just because you dont know what you want
Juan is calculating infinity through nihilism and cotyledons...   
11:09pm 05/01/2009
mood: nihilistic
ive been in this situation before...exactly twice since i turned 19...

and my solution was to move in the opposite direction...twice

this time its not as intense. I did get that too familiar feeling in my chest. The kind like when you swallow a bite of an apple that was too big to glide effortlessly down your throat.


Last year I focused on being pro-active and not reactive and ended up maintain it at an average pace. Meaning I was doing an exceptional amount of work but the quality was average.
This year, focus even more. Not for anyone else but me.

"In 5 billion years the sun will explode, its in the bible"

So what am I going to do differently this year? Kick it up another notch. Learn more, Drink more, Fuck more, go to shows more, Hug more trees, save more whales, read more books.

Nihilists look out for #1 and thats what i plan on doing. I wont be happy myself if i degrade the environment or piss off others. Is this the golden rule of Nihilism? Fuck that, its My golden rule.

You know when your sure
that no one gives a crap,
your on the right track
It's a fact

And when you believe,
things are good
it's guaranteed
you're up your ass
It's a fact

Morons through
the world,
and it's shitty place
no one ever asked to be born
It's a fact

You know every time
you think you've got it right,
your totally wrong
It's a fact

And when you really try
the efforts misapplied
or there's a catch
It's a fact

When you've got a sure thing,
your sure to fuck it up
It's one thing you can count on every time
It's a fact

What can you do?
Absolutely nothing
don't even try to amount to something
It will never work and Hitler is a jerk,
and soon we'll all be dead anyway
It's a fact
(you suck)

In five billion years
the sun will explode
It's in the bible
It's a fact

And no one will know
that we were ever here
It's a fact
It's a fact

So rest assured in knowing
that what you do don't matter
Some one can do it better anyway
It's a fact

It's a fact
07:44pm 03/01/2009
  Benn just broke up with Julie, no wonder whey he's been wanting to hang out more...  
The Secret   
11:30pm 01/01/2009
  i was watching a show earlier and it reminded me of how much i love behavioralism and how people interact with eachother. The mind is a very powerful thing. Potential is what you allow yourself to do. Pavlov knew this, B.F. Skinner knew this. Babies dont know limitations, thats why their grip seems to be stronger than what their muscles should allow. Believing is the first step. Doing is the next. Thats where the movie The Secret loses sight of what is really tangible.

Love is a weird word and I wish I dont see hear or read that word directed at me for a very long time...everytime I have heard it in my entire life it ends up being empty promises. Please dont deceive me

new year
07:18am 27/12/2008
  i met the most amazing girl last night.

a nihilist...

a reluctant enviro...

she questions everything...

and i cant remember her name...

hopefully i see her soon
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12:49pm 15/12/2008
  this is going to be the last year i ever have roomates EVER.

how hard is it to
do your dishes
keep your laundry out of the room
keep the thermostat at 63

it would be nice if they

cleaned the house just as much as me
replaced the tp
got rid of unnecessary clutter

6 months
08:56pm 14/12/2008
  its a womans world. I feel kinda pathetic sometimes. I have the most fun when Im with Rusty and Chris.

im over school. I think its the weather. I just want to sleeeeeeeep
05:40pm 30/10/2008
  i do love live right now....i just hate females